Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
