Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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