she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
