i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
