You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you didnt know i had herpes?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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