I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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