Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
