I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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