Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
