Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
