How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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