pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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