i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
