I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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