Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
