Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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