When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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