don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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