I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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