Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
