sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
