I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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