he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
