I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
