Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
