i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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