if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
