Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize