was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
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In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
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We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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