My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
