Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
