Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
