Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
