Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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