quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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