when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
