I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
