well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
