When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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