the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
