Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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