I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
