my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize