She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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