My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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