gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
