All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
