I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
