i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
