His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
