A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
