im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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