You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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