Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
