i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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